Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Canada Outlaws Profanity

Ottawa, Canada - The Parliament of Canada today voted to ban all profanities on television and on the streets. The law goes into effect on July 1st, 2011. The law states that no Canadian or tourist on Canadian soil will say any of the Seven Words You Can’t Say On Television, popularized by the late comedian George Carlin. 

In addiction to the major swear words, the following words will be considered verboten on Canadian soil: shucks, shoot, darn, fiddlestick, booger fat, frick, damn, gosh darn it and jimminy jillickers. These were all banned in an attempt to make an even friendlier Canada.

“We are of the belief that if you remove these words from the vocabulary, we can have nicer citizens and help make Canada even nicer than it already is. Would you like some coffee? We have Tim Horton’s here for you,” said Ives St.Claire, Minister of Foreign Press Relations.

The coffee was delicious. They need Tim Horton’s in Baltimore.

Depending on the success of this law in Canada, conservative groups in America are poised to demand the Congress of the United States to do the same thing. Opponents to the proposed bill state that those words are protected under the First Amendment of the Constitution. If the bill is successful in Congress, many believe it will be struck down during its first Judicial challenge.

Many in Canada think the law is unnecessary. Kathryn Vopple, from Red Deer, Alberta, Canada, told us, “Most Canadians are so polite, we just don’t see the need to regulate our language. Would you like some Tim Horton’s? It’s delicious.”

The coffee was still delicious. They still need a Tim Horton’s in Baltimore.

Annabel Lee is a freelance journalist for the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She is now addicted to Tim Horton’s and really thinks there needs to be one in Baltimore.

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