Friday, May 27, 2011

True Definition of America Found

Rome, Italy - Researchers have uncovered documents leading back to the colonization and discovery of America. For over 600 years, the Americas were believed to have been named after Americo Vespucio, the famed Italian explorer. According to the newly discovered documents, this is now the true reason America is called America.

“Our research in these documents goes back to the reign of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, who commissioned Columbus on his journey. They show that the natives began calling the larger, paler Spaniards and accompanying Europeans, ‘Ameriquana’”, lead researcher Antony Burlesconia told us. “So, the papers continue to explain that Ameriquana were fat, lazy, white people. And that is how the Spaniards labeled the continent on their maps. Later, when they learned what it meant, they attributed it to Vespucio, thanks to his similar first name.”

The idea that America really means “Land of fat, lazy white people” has already stirred some controversy amongst Americans.

Dave Snelling, 34, from Topeka, Kansas, said, “That is an affront to what America stands for and what we believe in. God, the right to life and capitalism.” Dave then told us that he just hit 300 lb. and has been on workers compensation for obesity for the past 4 years.

Anna Davis, 58, from San Francisco, California, told us, “I think that it’s funny that the Natives knew who we were before we did. If they could see what we’ve become, they would know they named us properly.” Anna told us she was 120 lb. and worked as a nurse for a local hospital.

No matter what side of the debate you’re on, there’s only one thing to know: America is what we make of it, regardless of the meaning of the world. Also, bacon is delicious.

Annabel Lee is a freelance journalist for the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She wants to play “Ameriquana” during a game of Scrabble.

1 comment:

  1. I was cracking up on this one! There are sone pretty good points here :)