Thursday, May 5, 2011

Scientists Say Human Misery Caused By.... Numbers?

Bern, Switzerland - Scientists today announced the results of a study involving numerology. For the past six years, they have been talking to thousands of people across the world of varying ages and ethnicities.

“Today, we our research indicates that the human spirit is at the lowest level since the year 2000. We believe this is based on the numerology of the year 2001. Accordingly, thanks to the negative numerology, tragedies were felt across the globe by all persons,” Dr. Henrich Weller of the Fraudien Association of Kind Exhibitions, or FAKE.

“Our research suggests that rather than referring to the year as being 2001, it should now be called 199-11, or nineteen ninety eleven. This will remove the negative connotation with that number, and allow us to focus on the truly important matters in this world,” he continued in his speech.

Afterwards, spectator Frieda Hammerfeldt said to reporters, “That is a best idea for world. We can move to future now that year renamed.”

Another spectator, speaking under the condition of anonymity, said, “This is probably the single greatest idea in the human race since football and beer were paired together.”

The United Nations has a resolution to accept this proposal already on the floor and will be putting it to a vote in the General Assembly within the next week. It is expected to pass, applying retroactively to the calendar year 2001.

When told of this proposed vote, a man in a coma at a local hospital woke up after nearly 10 years and said to nurses, “Those people changing the year have to be the dumbest people on the planet”. The patient subsequently returned to his coma after smoking a cigarette and drinking a latte.

Annabel Lee is a freelance journalist with the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She is a collector of collections, and is afraid of the number 3.

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