Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Man Bites Dog, Journalists Write Cliches

Austin, TX - A Texas judge ruled in favor of a dog against its owner to the amount of $28 million dollars. It is the largest court ruling in favor of an animal in Texas history. 

The case started when Eric Blumenthal, 32, of Austin, bit his eight year old golden retriever Nero. According to court transcripts, Blumenthal had just come home from a stressful day at Taco Bell when Nero ran over and bit him. In retaliation, Blumenthal returned the bite. Nero whimpered and spent the night behind the couch.

Joyce Kelly, a local lawyer, picked up the case when Nero was taken to the vet for wounds that would not heal. She alleged that it was animal cruelty, abuse and domestic abuse. The judge agreed, to the tune of $28 million dollars.

“This is one of the great days for the America Justice system and for all the animals of Texas,” Kelly told reporters gathered outside the courthouse. s

“This is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard,” Blumenthal told the same reporters when he exited the building. “What is a dog going to do with $28 million?”

As part of the ruling, 35% of the decision, $9.8 million, is to go to the ASPCA. Another $4 million is to go to the American Red Cross, $500,000 towards Milk Bone dog treats, and $1.2 million in legal fees.

When asked for comment, Nero looked at us like we were stupid, and went back to licking his crotch.

Annabel Lee is a freelance journalist for the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She once bit a Kit Kat bar. Thankfully, it didn’t sue her.

1 comment:

  1. Nero had the right idea... a generous tongue bath (hopefully in front of news cameras) is always a good call.

    Funny stuff, Annabel... Bravo! :)