Monday, May 9, 2011

Angry Birds Conquers All

Buffalo, N.Y. - Charlie Jinks, 86, from Buffalo, New York, was officially the last living person in America to play the hit mobile game Angry Birds. When asked what took so long, Mr. Jinks said, “You damn kids and your rudeness. How dare you ask me a question like that. I’m a veteran damn it!”. He then, slowly, chased us off his property in a motorized cart. He hit us repeatedly with a cane. 

We talked to locals in the area about Mr. Jinks to get their opinion of his being the last person to play Angry Birds. “I can believe it,” Justin Smith, 23, said of this achievement. “Mr. Jinks keeps to himself, and I never see him doing anything that looks anything close to fun.”

Nadine Cloverfield, 38, is Mr. Jinks’ granddaughter. “I’m glad that my grampy could finally get around to playing the game. I always figured he’d enjoy it and told him as much. He reminds me of the pigs. The one with the big helmet. That’s my grampy.”

Our anonymous source, who informed us of Mr. Jinks’ game playing activities, stated that Mr. Jinks played from level 1-1 to level 1-4 on the Android platform. Our source would not confirm how many stars were earned.

We will keep you posted on further developments on this story when they break.

Annabel Lee is a freelance reporter for the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She enjoys Angry Birds, and thinks the bluebirds are adorable.

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