Tuesday, May 10, 2011

E.T. Phones Earth, Gets Voicemail

Mountain View, CA - Today the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence (SETI) announced they had finally had contact with intelligent life. 

Brian Gibbs, spokesman for SETI, said at the press conference that we snuck into through the air conditioning ducts, “Today, we received confirmation that we are not alone in the universe.”

After the initial reaction of shock and mild panic cleared, he continued, “We received a message aimed directly at us. The message was in English, oddly enough. The massage said, ‘Hello Earth. Leave us alone. You keep interrupting our viewing of Oprah's Farewell Tour.”

After that statement, he played the tape for the audience. Confirming there was a tape was enough to make one reporter faint. And it wasn’t my fault, it was hot in those air conditioning ducts.

NASA, through a press release email confirmed the authenticity of the tape. The release said,

“Today we at NASA received a message that was repeated three times. The message was from another planet and was recorded at several locations. The intelligent life asked the people of Earth to leave them alone. 

“As of now, we are mapping the location of which this message originated. We have it narrowed down to a series of star clusters, but we aren’t definite at this time which star. 
We are suspending our probing missions until further notice. The world has changed. This is the confirmation that we are not alone. We urge people not to react with violence, but rather pride that we have brothers and sisters out there.” 

With this confirmation of intelligent life, there are sure to be repercussions amongst people who believe that we are alone in the world, or that their religious deity only created Earth with intelligence in a universe that is massive.

Police are in force tonight, and the National Guard is on alert to contain any violent outbursts that may occur from this news. You are urged to stay indoors, stop being a whiny brat and get over it. Things change, we learn, you should just adapt. Also, make some cookies. Cookies make everything better.

Annabel Lee is a freelance journalist for the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She can’t drive 55, and she can’t find her other shoe.

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