Milk Money! Bank Robbed Using Breast Milk

Milwaukee, WI - A man walked into the Bank of America branch downtown today, and demanded all of the money. It was just your routine heist with someone trying to make some money. What made this particular robbery different was the weapon the assailant used.

At 2:18 PM, Elliot Spickle walked into the Bank of America branch wearing a ski mask, gloves, a Brett Favre Green Bay Packers Jersey and a pair of dusty blue jeans. He approached the teller immediately, handing her a note compiled from newspaper clippings. The note simply said, “Give Me All The Money In The Bank And No Funny Business”. 

The teller, 23 year old Angela Williams, did as she was told, placing the money into the bag, along with the standard dye pack. She noticed that his gun looked unusual and hit the silent alarm, signaling the police. The gun appeared, to her, to be a realistic squirt pistol, similar to the type strippers use for tequila shots during bachelorette parties. She handed him the bag of money and he began hurrying out of the bank. 

Once outside, Spickle was confronted by the Milwaukee Police Department, which had responded to the silent alarm triggered by Ms. Williams. Spickle pulled out his gun and pointed it one of the officers. The officer demanded that Spickle drop the weapon and get down on the ground. Spickle refused the order. The officer shot Spickle. 

After the shooting, another officer came over and inspected the weapon that Spickle had. It was a squirt gun which had been filled with breast milk. 

“We do not know at this time why Spickle came into the bank with a gun filled with breast milk. What we do know is that he pointed the weapon at law enforcement, he was commanded to drop the weapon and get on the ground. He refused the order and was shot. The officer who shot him is not under investigation at this time. We are still looking into how Spickle came to rob this bank.”

Bank of America issued a written statement to the press after the incident.

We want to thank the fine men and women of the Milwaukee Police Department today. What they did, in the line of duty, is nothing short of heroic. They have earned and deserve our respect and our support. We would also like to thank Ms. Angela Williams, and will be promoting her based on her actions today. We will be closing this branch for a week for an investigation and for upgrades to the security systems, as is routine procedure following an event of this time. 

Thank you again to all those who have helped during this time of need. 

There will be a funeral service held for Mr. Spickle on the 7^th of August. Members of the public are advised to keep the spitting and grave urinating to a minimum, out of respect to Spickle’s mother, who had no part in this crime that we are aware of at this time. 

Annabel Lee is a freelance journalist with the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She was voted most likely to die first in a robber at four out of four jobs dealing with currency. 


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