Fake News Article #1

A friend of mine asked me to write a story about a vending machine specializing in women, similar to the ones in Japan for used underwear. I wrote this story in about 10 minutes, thinking like a reporter. It is a fake story about a fake product and fake gang, but it was an exercise in creativity.

Japanese Gangs Target Pink Boxes

Tokyo, Japan – A gang called the Yumi Pantiza has been terrorizing the downtown Tokyo red light district. Last night, the authorities were called to the vandalism and destruction of one of the infamous “pink boxes”, or prostitute vending service. The concept is you pay for the woman for the night at the machine from a kiosk, and she comes and meets you at the kiosk with a key, where you can enter the machine with her for the allotted time.

            The authorities reported that one such machine was destroyed by a Molotov cocktail while an employee and her date were in the middle of a transaction. The scene smelled of gasoline and burnt plastics and latex. No injuries were reported as both individuals managed to escape the carnage in time.

            Authorities are looking for witnesses to come forward with any information, and have setup a crime stoppers phone number on this case. The center also has English speakers for any Americans who may have witnessed the events last night. The calls are anonymous, so military members who were in the area will not have their supervisors notified.

            Yumi Pantiza, the gang who accepted responsibility for the attack, claimed in a statement to Nippon Ohio (Japan Hello) “We are not trying to protect the women working there; we are trying to protect our interests in this community. We have our stores for the carnal pleasures and these machines are a threat to our business. We will continue to attack them until they are no longer on the streets.”

            In 2003, Yumi Pantiza was also implicated in the coordinated sexual assault hour on the metro, during which as many as 300 young women were violated on the train. Yumi Pantiza is a known gang who specializes in sexuality and prostitution. They are funded by profits from their legitimate business ranging from video arcades to radio suppliers for the Japanese military. Yumi Pantiza has been declared a terrorist organization by Prime Minister Yao, and should be considered extremely dangerous.

 Annabel Lee is a freelance reporter for the Baltimore Fake Times Journal. She is a graduate of some school she went to, and likes to take showers.